Ok, I work in rivers and streams, this much we know. To get into said bodies of water, there are not always nice easy access points like ramps or trails. So the default method of accessing a stream without trespassing is to enter at a bridge crossing, since the land under and directly around it is owned by the state Department of Transportation, we are legally able to cross that land. What I have learned from bridge crossings is that people remain lazy, messy, and are terrible spellers to a one. Apparently in the human psyche, a bridge over a stream is synonymous to a landfill entrance. Any particular item you no longer have a use for or would just like to be rid of can just be tossed over the edge of the bridge, either from a moving vehicle or by driving down the embankment. Of course, while you are there, it is also necessary to spray paint your lasting wisdom onto a bridge support. It is best to open yourself up and share your innermost beliefs in these messages. For example, "I love marijuana" or "Tommy Hanson sux" (any intimations towards Tommy Hansons alive or dead are purely accidental) are excellent ways to show the world the depth of your character.
After you have finished this message, you may then feel free to leave your empty fried chicken box and used condom tucked away next to a pylon. That way we will know the exact composition of that enormous turd you left for us in the middle of the trail (Please! Is it that hard to walk 6 feet into the woods when nature calls??!).
Apologies if I have now appalled you, wanderers, but I do not exaggerate. And this is not just one or two bridges we have visited. No, I'm afraid this is a standard issue road crossing.
Other things we have found hurled from bridges (and most of these are relatively common):
Bowling pins
Dead dogs
Dead ducks (that one was a mystery -- maybe they were poached?)
Televisions
Air conditioners
Refrigerators
Cars (this is a KY specialty -- why pay expensive wrecker fees when old Bessie quits on you?)
Cell phones (she meant it when she told you to get OFF the phone or it was going out the window)
CD's
Shopping carts
Shoes (and it's always just one)
Enough coke bottles to replicate Buckingham Palace
Bicycles
More tires than NASCAR uses in a year
Lawn chairs
Clothes
Diapers
Coolers
Mattresses
Basketballs
Street signs
I could go on, but I think we've found just about anything you can think of at least once with the except of perhaps dead people. And that one is just a matter of time, I think! And before you have a mental urge to try to pin this on one particular demographic or another, I can promise you that in the many many hours I have spent at these charming intersections between man and nature, I have seen ALL social classes and types guilty of said hurling. Sometimes furtively, sometimes...not so much. It's both fascinating and depressing -- the former because it appears to be lost on all the hurlers that they are throwing this always-nasty, sometimes-toxic stuff into their own water supply, a poetic twist at which I can only be sadly amused.
I wish I got a quarter every time I found one of those stupid plastic worm cups from the bait stores, I would never have to work again!
Next time you are tempted by euphoric visions of humanity as a noble species, I beg of you, drive to a bridge and keep it real.
5 comments:
"And me, I spend a lot of time pickin' flowers up on Choctaw Ridge
And drop them into the muddy water off the Tallahatchie Bridge"
I remember finding a lawn chair once. I always wondered why in the world you'd bother to throw over a lawn chair but then again I'm not sure why someone would throw out a bowling pin either. Baffles me as well...
LOL -- me too Andrea! I often bring intact buckets, milk crates, and coolers home, we can always use those!
my husband is a commercial diver and he does lots of underwater bridge inspections in iowa and nebraska- he says that one time a dead cow bumped him in the water. i'm hoping he was kidding.
Ew, dead cow would TOTALLY make the list!